That's huge.
I've never been "the one" before.
Thought I was "the one" with Fiona, but turns out I was, what, 101?
- 200. - 200!
Look, you got nothing to worry about.
You'll show up and sweep her off her German feet.
Thanks.
Yeah.
I will, won't I?
I'm so sad and lonely.
I just wish someone would show up
and sweep me off my German feet.
Mieke! I'm here.
Scotty!
About that last email. I'm so sorry...
The past is the past. You're here now.
I've been saving myself for you.
Let us make love for one whole month.
Touch me, Scotty.
OK.
Oh, Scott...
- Mi bello.
Mi bello.
Mi scusi.
Mi scusi!
" Hot stuff baby this evening "
" Gotta have some hot stuff "
" Gotta have some love tonight "
" Hot stuff "
Guys, our train doesn't leave till morning.
- Where will we sleep? - What do you mean, sleep?
We can sleep on the train tomorrow.
This is the best that could've happened. We're in Amsterdam!
This is the drug and sex capital of Europe!
Take a look at this.
"Club Vandersexxx."
"The red light district's hottest sex club."
We have to check it out. Who's with me?
I'll go.
Fine. Since no one else is willing to go,
I'll just go myself.
" I see "
" You're waiting for me "
This is definitely where I parked my car.
Hello there.
Welcome to Club Vandersexxx...
Amsterdam's most erotic club,
where your every fantasy will be fulfilled.
Also says I get a free T-shirt with flyer.
He's American.
How sad for you to grow up in a country founded by prudes.
A country overrun with crime and illiteracy.
A country where a man is forced to make sex
to only one woman at a time,
and one must learn the woman's name beforehand.
- It was horrible. - I know.
But you can come with me...
and let the Vandersexxx begin.
" Marijuana in my soul "
" Your iguana in my hall "
I can't believe we're doing this.
Don't worry. Hash brownies are totally legal here.
You're gonna enjoy these, man. These are magical.
" I like to smoke marijuana "
- You wanna do this? - Yeah.
- Hi. - Hi.
I need a new battery for my camera,
and while you're at it, it could use a cleaning.
Wow.
Is that a Leica M6?
Actually, it's an M7.
It's got the built-in light meter.
It's so beautiful.
So sleek, so powerful.
How's the new lens system?
Makes the Nikon look like a disposable.
You really know your cameras.
And you're very cute.
Me? Really?
I'm going on break.
I was going to step out back and have a cigarette.
Would you like to join me?
I don't smoke.
Neither do I.
Hold on, hold on.
What is it?
This is great!
You're so innocent.
Let's change that... shall we?
What would you like me to do?
Well... I don't really know...
I guess I really haven't done that much.
I haven't really found the time, with all my extracurriculars,
and model U.N., advanced placement classes, after-school tutor...
...ing! Ah!
Gosh, you really like cameras!
Sometimes, we find our clients are so overwhelmed with the pleasure,
that they sometimes scream out,"no,"
when really they mean,"yes."
And this is why we have the safe word.
The "safe word"?
If at any time the ecstasy gets too great,
you just use the safe word.
Until we hear the safe word, we will not stop.
Yeah, right. Stop. All right.
We're going to start slowly,
teasing you with a little light erotic foreplay.
Whee!
Oh, yes, ladies!
On, on, vandersexxx!
Hans! Gruber!
Hi.
So, are the girls coming back?
Administer the testicle clamps!
- Huh? What? Hey!
Safe word!
What is that?! That's not a word, it's a...
"Fluggen-kliggin-kien?"
Fluggen!!!
- OK, mister, don't move. - Excuse me?
Shut the hell up!
Oh, brother! Please don't hurt me.
Oh, no... you're fine. That's good. You're fine.
Give me cash? You got cash?
Take it all, you dirty girl.
What?
Your wallet! Focus!
- Give it to me. - Oh!
Oh, I love you!
I love you!
I love you! I looove you!
What's so funny?
I'm really hungry. I think I've got the munchies.
- Excuse me. - Huh?
It's hot in here. You hot? 'Cause I'm really hot.
- So good. - OK, I can't breathe! God!
I'm freaking out! I think we got a bad batch 'cause I'm freaking out.
I can't... I can't do this.
I saw a gay porno once. I didn't know until halfway in.
The girls never came. The girls never came!
I am freaking out!!
- Everything all right with you? - No, nothing's all right.
You sold us a bad batch of hash brownies.
You're a bad Rastafarian.
These are not hash brownies.
Hmm?
- What was that? - We do not sell hash brownies.
We're a simple Dutch bakery!
Now put your clothes back on, white boy!
Ow! Ow! Ow!
"Fluggengegeholen!"
Did you say fluggegecheimen?
Yes! Yes!
For the love of god, fluggengecheimen!
Are you sure?
Yes, please.
As you wish.
Bring on the fluggegecheimen!
Wait... what?
Uh-oh.
No, no, no! I didn't say fluggegecheimen,
I said, uh...
What'd you do last night?
I don't want to talk about it.
What did you guys do?
Don't want to talk about it.
- What is that? - Free T-shirt.
Hey, guys.
What happened to you?
I got robbed.
It was awesome!
Our money, passports, tickets... Everything, gone!
How the hell could this happen?
We all go to Amsterdam, and Jamie's the one who hooks up!
For shame!
Oh, that's me.
Coop here. Sorry.
Hello, Mr. Walters.
You never got the Gutterman file?
I told Humphrey to give it to you.
That's hogwash. I handed it to him myself yesterday.
I'll tell Humphrey to report to your office immediately.
Bye.
- This job's killing me.
- Uh... - Let me handle this.
I speak bad German.
- What did he say? - He said he's driving.
- Oh. - Something.
Jah.
Berlin?
- Berlin? - Berlin!
- He's going to Berlin! - Awesome!
- All right! Berlin! - Come on, let's go!
Next stop, Berlin!
Beautiful! We made it to Berlin.
Jah. Berlin!
- Bratislava? - Yeah.
Bratislava!
Dear sweet mother of God.
We're in Eastern Europe.
Eww!
Excuse me.
Do you speak any English?
You are Americans?
Yeah.
I love America.
We just get "Miami Vice" on television.
"Miami Vice" is number one new show.
Yeah.
Listen, we're trying to get to Berlin, Germany.
Do you know if there's a train coming anytime soon?
Oh, yes, very soon. They are building it now.
Stop! Hammer time!
Enjoy Bratislava!
It's good you came in summer.
In winter, it can get very depressing.
We gotta figure something out. How much money do we have?
Frommer's travel tip.
I don't have anything.
What? I got noth... fine.
$1.83 American.
What are we gonna get with that?
Gotta love that exchange rate!
Ta.
Hapi Djus.
Teraz bez drenei.
Hmm. Now with less pulp.
Dinner is served.
Would the masters care for anything else?
Think we're good. Thanks.
Ah! A nickel!
You see this?
- I quit!
I open my own hotel!
So, we got 27 cents left.
What is there to do in this town?
- " My Scotty " - " Scotty, Scotty "
" Scotty doesn't know "
" Don't tell Scotty "
- " Scotty doesn't know "
This song sounds familiar.
Jenny, lemme check your coat.
- Hey! - Jenny!
That outfit is horrible! Just take it off... now!
No, but I will let you buy me a drink.
Excuse me!
You are the woman from the Paris train station, aren't you?
- My name is... - Christoph.
Yes.
What are you doing here?
This is my place. My family owns many nightclubs in Europe.
I'd be honored if you'd join me in my V.I.P.Room for a drink.
Mmm-kay.
Bye, Cooper.
- What's that? - It's absinthe.
Frommer's says it's illegal in the States
because it makes you hallucinate and go crazy.
They call it "the green fairy."
My family has a yacht in the Aegean.
Come with me, Jennifer. We will sail away together.
Oh, my God!
We will swim with dolphins, and sip champagne by moonlight.
Oh, my God!
We will spend the day sunbathing, drinking wine.
My wife makes the best sangria.
Wait... what?
Sangria.
You take a good Spanish Rioja,
and you put in slices of orange, and...
No, wait. You said you were married?
You go around Europe sleeping with every woman you meet?
No, please, Jennifer. It is not like that.
I also sleep with men.
I gotta say, I'm not feeling anything.
Me neither.
Sober as a judge.
How 'bout you?
I'm not feeling a goddamn thing.
This absinthe is bullshit!
I hear you, my brother.
I'm outta here.
Excuse me.
- Hey, so where's Christoph? - Shut up.
- Europe! - Europe!
- Whoo! - Europe!
So, tomorrow, Berlin.
Tomorrow, Mieke!
Check it out.
No way!
Jamie's hooking up with another girl? Goddamn it!
It's just so unfair. I've been all over,
looking for crazy European sex, and he's the one who ends up...
- Oh, my God!
That is some pretty fucked-up shit.
Can you say, "What the fuck did I do last night?"
They really are the worst twins ever.
That was a pretty wild night, eh?
Yep. Pretty wild, pretty wild.
I know I was out of control.
How about you guys? Did you...?
All right, look. We were really drunk,
things got a little crazy, and Jamie...
kissed me.
Let's just forget about it, 'kay?
- Consider it forgotten. - Never happened.
Never happened.
Fine. Let's just forget about it.
It's not like you two had sex.
- Have you had sex? - Shut up, Cooper!
Jamie, relax. Cooper. Please?
OK, fine. I'll give it a rest.
Jamie, could I borrow your Frommer's?
Oh, here it is. Bratislava.
Hmm. Capital of Slovakia.
Oh, here's a fun fact.
You made out with your sister, man!
- Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! - Like two dogs in heat.
My friends, where is the beef?
You go to Berlin? I'm your ride.
Hop in.
" "99 Red Balloons"
This is Mieke's apartment building.
Wish me all sorts of luck, guys.
You'll do great, Scotty.
Thanks.
I came all this way. I'm not gonna miss this.
- Dude, Mieke's hideous! Run! - Stop.
Hi, my name is Scott Thomas.
I'm from America, and I'm here to see Mieke.
I'm sorry, but Mieke's not here.
Do you know where she is?
She's gone for the summer.
My daughter had intended to spend the summer in America,
looking at colleges and visiting some friends.
But several days ago, she suddenly changed her mind.
She would not tell me why.
I think I know why.
This is Heinrich. He's Mieke's stepbrother.
As I was saying, she packed up her bag and left.
- It was all very sudden. - Do you know where she is now?
She's always been very interested in the classics,
Greek and Roman literature, history, and she's always enjoyed the ocean,
so she found a program that combines all her interests.
Do you know where she is?
She enrolled in a summer at sea program, based in Rome.
Rome.
OK, then I guess we'll go to Rome, then.
Unfortunately, Mieke's only in Rome for orientation.
Tomorrow her group boards a boat and she'll be gone for the summer.
She'll be quite unreachable.
Unreachable.
Mieke's tour group goes to the Vatican tomorrow,
then she gets on that boat and she's gone.
So, it's over?
Thanks for sticking with me through this, guys, but...
you should probably call your parents,
have them wire you some money and go home.
What are you gonna do?
I'm going to Rome.
I'll walk, I'll hitchhike,
I'll swim if I have to, but I'll get to Mieke somehow.
Maybe that'll help.
Where'd you get all that?
Wait. Where's your Leica?
Sold it.
What?
You sold your Leica? But you loved that thing.
What about your Europe photo tour, the chateaus?
Chateaus have been there for 300 years.
Mieke's gone in 12 hours.
Let's go! Frommer's says check in three hours before international flights.
Come here, guidebook!
Whoo! We're going to Rome. We're going to Rome!
" Be my girl "
" Are you gonna be my "
" Girl, yeah "
" Be my girl "
" Are you gonna be my girl "
All right, summer at sea group.
Our tour begins in the Vatican museum.
This way, please.
There it is.
This entrance is for private tour groups only.
Oh... but we are a private tour group.
We've come all the way from America.
That guy in the orange jacket is mentally retarded.
Si, I can tell. How very, very sad.
Yes, it is.
But if you are a tour, where is your guide?
We've got a fantastic tour guide.
- Right here. - What? No...
The Vatican has been used as a papal residence
ever since the time of Constantine the Great
of the 5th century A.D.!
- Oh.
OK... um... if you'll all follow me, please.
Have a very special day
for a very special little man.
OK.
I can't believe that guy let us in.
What a retard!
- Let's find Mieke. - Scusate.
One of our English-speaking tour guides has called in sick.
Could you please take these peoples also?
- How big is Vatican City? -. 5 square kilometers.
- Who built the colonnades? - Gianlorenzo Bernini, 1656.
- Where are the bathrooms? - Floors 2,6 and 7.
Next I'll take you to where the College of Cardinals elects a new pope.
When this happens, white smoke is sent up from the Vatican.
- Here's a fun fact... - Mieke must be around here somewhere.
Let's go.
Behind me is the appartamento papale,
or "papal apartment." We're obviously not permitted.
Excuse me, miss. What is this?
That is the bell of San Marco.
When the pope dies, the Cardinal Vicar of Rome
rings this bell to notify the people of Rome.
Next we will view the Sistine Chapel. Follow me, please.
Come on. I think I hear them.
Which way did they go?
That way. I'd stake my reputation on it.
Good enough for me.
Hey, check it out! I wonder what this does.
It doesn't do anything, it's a rope. Come on, let's go.
They got a lot of old stuff here.
Dio mio!
The bell of San Marco!
The pope is dead!
Whoa.
She's not in here.
Let's go. We're definitely not supposed to be in here.
Hey, check this out!
- I'm the pope! - Cooper...
take off the pope hat.
- Oh, no. It's OK.I'm catholic. - Take it off, goddamnit!
Oh, you took the Lord's name in vain!
Only I can forgive you now, my son.
Take that fudging thing off!
The pope breaks an open-field tackle.
It's a Hail Mary, he catches at the 40...
the 30, the 20, the 10...
touchdown, Pope!
The pope makes a two-point conversion.
And oh, my Lord! It's the Pope, eight,
and the heathens, nothing!
How's you, sucka?
Cooper, the hat! The hat!
The hat is on fire!
" We don't need no water let the m... "
I'm not kidding! Look!
Oh, holy shit!
I don't want this!
Fireplace! Fireplace! Go, go!
Whoa!
White smoke!
They've elected the new pope!
I'm coming to you live from Vatican Square
where the College of Cardinals, in a surprise move,
has just elected a new pope. The crowd is very excited.
This is so strange.
Usually they wait 15 days to elect a new pope.
We could be seeing history in the making!
We could be seeing an arrest in the making.
There she is. Mieke!
Hey! Stupid curtain!
Let me out!
Mieke!
It's the new pope!
What the hell...?
Mieke!
Hold on!
This is one crazy pope.
You!
Ferma! Stop! You!
You... and your retarded friend,
you're in big, big trouble.
Oy!
Take your mitts off them boys!
They're with me!
I've just about had enough of you fuckin' ities!
But I am Swiss!
Them, too!
Now, bud...
you get in there, and you say what you got to say.
Mieke. I'm here.
I made it.
Who are you?
What a fucking loser! I'm gonna videotape this.
I'm Scott.
From Ohio?
Scott? Scott Thomas?
- Yes. - From Ohio?
- What are you doing in Rome? - I came here to be with you.
Listen, I just traveled all the way across Europe.
I got chased by naked men.
I ate brownies with absolutely no drugs in them.
I watched a brother and sister make out.
I kicked a robot in the balls, but I did it all so that...
so I could tell you one thing.
I love you, Mieke.
Aww...
We're perfect for each other. What do you think?
I think...
Oh, Mike... Mieke!
Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.
I have cheated on my husband.
Do you think God will ever forgive me?
Oh, yes!
- Father?
This sucks.
I can't believe I'm the only one who didn't hook up while we were here.
Europe is officially the worst country on Earth.
I know.
I thought I'd at least get to have some crazy European sex.
What?
- Scott, I have to go. - OK.
My boat is leaving.
I still can't believe you came all the way here,
just for me.
What can I say? I'm very unpredictable.
Keep writing to me, Scott, OK?
Yeah, I will.
- Go. - Bye.
Yes! Yes! Yes!
Whoo-hoo!
Hey, guys, I'm so glad we got to take this trip together.
This was the best time of my life.
Excuse me.
You're the young man who gave me that tour of the Vatican, aren't you?
- Listen, I'm very sorry... - I just wanted to thank you.
You were the most knowledgeable, albeit idiosyncratic,
tour guide I've ever had.
Thanks.
But I'm not actually a tour guide.
I've just read Frommer's enough to have it memorized.
Although I threw in a few things Frommer's didn't know about.
How would you like to add them?
Excuse me?
That's my guidebook.
I'm Arthur Frommer.
It's amazing!
Frommer's is going to pay me to see every museum and cathedral in Europe.
- That sounds so exciting...
for you.
I figured, since you're going to be staying,
you might need this.
- A disposable camera. - That's right.
Thanks, Scotty.
That's from both of us.
Hello, Mr. Walters.
I see.
Fired? Well, I...
Well, if that's what you want, I understand. I just...
goodbye, sir.
They had to catch you eventually, right?
- No, they fired Humphrey. - Shut up!
I got his office and a raise.
- No!
Flight 341 from Rome to Cleveland...
That's you guys.
- Have a good flight, everybody. - Come here.
Be good.
- Oh! OK...
- Cooper, have a good flight. - Be good.
Thanks.
I'm on it.
This still counts as Europe, right?
"Dear Mieke,
"Greece sounds incredible.
"I just moved into my dorm room today,
"but I can't wait to see you over Christmas break.
"This time I think I'll fly to Berlin direct."
- Hello? - Hey, buddy, how's college?
I just got here. My roommate hasn't even showed up yet.
Do they room all you pre-med geeks together?
I'm not sure I'm going pre-med.
I'm thinking about majoring in German.
German? I've got a better idea.
Why don't you major in not being such a woman?
So, how's Jenny?
Jenny... Jenny who?
I know a lot of ladies named Jenny, they're all...
Ow!
Hey, Scotty, what's up?
Hi, Jenny!
How's Jamie doing with Frommer?
Oh, no.
Hold on.
Come here, robot!
Cooper, not again!
Hold on, this could be my new roommate.
What's the freak look like?
Is he a dork or is he cool? Better not be cooler than me.
Is he bigger than me?
I just got your last email. What are you doing here?
Going to college.
You're going to college here?
- What dorm? - This one.
Room 214.
How is this possible?
I guess they thought I was a guy.
Now who would be dumb enough to make a mistake like that?
Do I hear kissing?
Are you making out with your new roommate, Scotty?
Scotty?
Scotty? Scotty!
" Scotty doesn't know that Fiona and me "
This happy ending is bullshit.
When does the fairy get laid? I'm outta here.
" Still she's on her knees And Scotty doesn't know "
" Oh, Scotty doesn't know "
- Catchy tune. - Fuckin'-a, man.
" Fiona says she's out shopping "
" But she's under me And I'm not stopping "
Scotty doesn't know! Scotty doesn't know!
Hello, and welcome to
Amsterdam's finest and most luxurious youth hostel.
Sounds great.
There is no bathroom, nor is there one nearby.
" I can't believe He's so trusting "
Sorry.
" While I'm right behind you thrusting "
- Get it? - She got it.
If you do not wish to have your valuables stolen,
I suggest destroying them or discarding them right now.
You can also try hiding your valuables...
in your anus.
Drink?
" Scotty doesn't know Scotty doesn't know "
" Scotty doesn't know Don't tell Scotty "
I'm gonna rip away his pants and look at his dick, OK?
- Ready? Quit. Shut up.
Sorry. I know I fucked it up.
Yes! You take her hair...
and one strand at a time, pull it out!
Use her like a humping post!
Jenny, this is Europe.
They have orange juice ads with lesbians and dildos.
"Happy juice."
Show them something they haven't seen.
" Fiona's got him on the phone "
" And she's trying not to moan "
" It's a three-way call And he knows nothing "
" Nothing, Scotty doesn't know "
" Scotty doesn't know Scotty doesn't know "
Should a fire occur, due to our faulty wiring,
or the fireworks factory upstairs, you will be incinerated,
along with the valuables you have hidden in your anus.
" So don't tell Scotty Scotty doesn't know "
" Really want to go "
" Scotty doesn't know Scotty doesn't know "
" Scotty doesn't know "
" The parking lot, why not? "
" It's so cool when you're on top "
" Life is so hard 'Cause Scotty doesn't know "
" Scotty doesn't know "
Fuck off! Get out of it, you wankers!
Go on, you gaelic fucking garlic-breath tossers!
Piss off! Get in here and say that, mate!
Come on! Fucking come and have it!
You fucking beep?!
We'll beep, you bastard, all over your fucking nose!
Fuck off!
Go on, you French bastards!
Get on the other side of the road, you pricks!
Go on out of it!
Fuck off!
I'm nackered.
- League supporters.
" Scotty doesn't know Scotty doesn't know "
- No, wait...
Hey! Check these out! I'm 18 years old.
" Gonna tell Scotty Gonna tell myself "
" Scotty has to know Scotty has to know "
" Scotty has to Scotty has to go "
" Scotty doesn't know Scotty doesn't know "
Scotty doesn't know! Scotty doesn't know!
- Scotty doesn't know!
Scotty's gotta go!
Subtitles by Phaeton
Is it off yet?
No, keep rubbing it.